Category: Life Lessons

Go With the Flow

I recently read an article by communication scientist Richard Huskey about flow; what is it, what is its benefits, why should we seek to find it in our lives. (Why Does Experiencing ‘Flow’ Feel So Good? A Communication Scientist Explains)

Flow occurs when we feel focused and in control of an activity. We lose our sense of time and surroundings. We have a strong sense of ourselves and the intricacies of the action. The ease and natural energy we dispense brings us joy and a sense of well-being. We feel in control and capable. We’re ‘in the zone’ with an experience that is both skilled and challenging, making us feel completely satisfied with our creative accomplishments. (Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi, Psychologist and Author “Beyond Boredom and Anxiety: Experiencing Flow in Work and Play)

There are many ways we can achieve flow in our lives. It can happen with equestrians, swimmers, artists, dancers, musicians, cooks, chess players, surfers, or mountain climbers. It can even happen with video game players. It doesn’t matter so much what you do as long as it brings you a sense of “self-control, goal pursuit, and well-being.” This experience of flow makes us more resilient and capable in other areas of our lives too. It can keep us from burnout and depression and worry. It can help us cope with difficult times and situations such as the pandemic.

I find flow in my dance, my writing, cooking, yoga, gardening, and walking in nature. These activities bring me a sense of joy and well-being and a sense of accomplishment. I feel relaxed and happy when I do them.

Do you have ‘flow’ in your life? What makes you feel in-the-zone?

The Death of Shame

“Shame dies when stories are told in safe places.”
~Ann Voskamp

While scanning the menu choices for viewing on my TV last night, I came across an international award-winning documentary called “The Apology” by director Tiffany Hsiung and producer Anita Lee for The National Film Board of Canada on TVO.

It’s a story of the 200,000 young girls and young women who were kidnapped by the Japanese Imperial Army during WWII and taken to “comfort stations” where they were forced into military sexual slavery.

The shame that these ‘comfort women’ carried with them after their release was silently carried for decades until enough of them were encouraged to reveal the truth and begin a path to healing and recovery with their families and their governments before their stories were lost forever as they passed on.

The story is told through the eyes of three elderly women; Grandma Gil in South Korea, Grandma Cao in China, and Grandma Adela in the Philippines. The shame and guilt these women carried for so many years and their bravery and determination to tell their stories and gain a formal apology and compensation from the Japanese government before they are gone is heart-breaking and inspirational.

Through sharing their stories with other victims and finding the courage to finally reveal their hidden truths to their families and those close to them, these women are beginning to find healing and gain international support. In 2014, Gil Won-ok traveled to Geneva, Switzerland where she delivered 1.5 million signatures to the office of the high commissioner of human rights at The United Nations demanding redress to the victims of wartime sexual slavery.

Through telling their stories, past transgressions are brought to light and hope is given to those who survive. When shame, judgement, and blame are set aside it makes room for understanding, healing, and love.

“If we can share our story with someone who responds with empathy and understanding, shame can’t survive.”
― Brené Brown, ‘Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead’

Purge. Organize. Declutter. Minimize

Purge. Organize. Declutter. Minimize. Do these words strike terror in your heart?

Over the years I have helped friends and family to downsize and start anew with a smaller home. Now I am trying to minimize my own belongings. Not because I have any visions of moving but I see the inevitability of it as I age. I would like to start now.  I have found that decluttering happens in stages.

Stage 1 is easy. To toss, sell, or give away those clothes, pieces of furniture, knick knacks and collectibles, extra dishes and other belongings that we haven’t used in years or have no need for any more in our forseeable future is really not that hard. In fact, it may even be an easy and quick process.

Stage 2 begins to get a little more difficult. We now are dealing with those things we own but never or rarely use with the statement, “I may need this someday.” I no longer fit into that beautiful dress but I will lose that weight and it will fit me again. I may need those extra dishes and linens when family come to visit. I may read those books someday. That china plate is just too beautiful to part with.

A long-time friend that I helped move three times over the years found it impossible to part with antique collectibles, fine china, her sterling silver sets, because of her emotional attachment to an earlier financially richer time of her life. Even though she never used these things anymore and would not be using them in her future, she was caught up in what they symbolized to her. They meant she was worthy. She was valuable.  To part with these kinds of belongings needed encouragement and loving negotiation from family and friends.

Stage 3 is the most difficult of all. Now we find ourselves having to part with things that are sentimental to us or have wonderful memories that we connect to the object. To depart with these things is like throwing away pieces of our selves. We don’t want to do it and we may not be ready emotionally to do it. If we have the space to store it, then perhaps we will hold on to it a little longer. Sometimes we have no choice and things have to go. There just isn’t room for it.

This stage of purging takes a lot more thought and deliberation. It means we have to answer deeper questions about ourselves and who we truly are. It can be painful. But it can also be freeing and edifying. As I lighten up the load of my belongings, life becomes more meaningful. Who am I? Why is that so important to me? Does it really represent who I am today, now, in the present? Does it really add to my future and my future self?

This past summer, my daughter, an interior designer, helped me to refurbish and renovate a cluttered back sun porch. Things I had been storing for years, for a variety of reasons, finally found a new home or were thrown away. Collections of glassware were re-evaluated. Only the choicest pieces stayed and found a more suitable place in my home. My wind chime collection now hangs in my outdoor garden. My daughter chose one little wooden robin from my larger collection and placed it prominently on the top of a new shoe cabinet. With one beautiful little piece, she highlighted its beauty and it acts as a simple single symbol of my past.

Purge. Organize. Declutter. Minimize. These words can make your life simpler and more meaningful. Get rid of that stuff. You may end up feeling lighter, less burdened, and more yourself than you have in a long time. Live your new life with joy. Make some new memories.

A Sit Spot

A Sit Spot — “A sit spot is simply a favourite place in nature (or looking out a window at nature) that is visited regularly to cultivate awareness, expand senses and study patterns of local plants, birds, trees, and animals. The practice supports mindfulness, builds routine and increases focus.” (www.wildsight.ca)

My friend/dancer Colleen Frances, introduced me to this phrase. She took a beautiful picture of me on a beach in Costa Rica before our morning dance class began, when I was just sitting alone, prayerfully, gratefully enjoying the morning sunrise. She told me that if we do this, pick a spot each day, the same spot, perhaps the same time, and then just open our senses to what is happening around us, the birds and the animals begin to expect us and things begin to happen. Things we would never have noticed if we hadn’t sat silently and expectantly are wondrously noticed by us.

We Are Wildness (www.wearewildness.com) says the five qualities of a perfect Sit Spot are “it is close, it has nature, it is solitary, it is safe, your attitude.” Any spot can be a perfect Sit Spot, even if it doesn’t appear that way at first.

Once we’ve chosen our spot, Colleen used the phrase RAW — Relaxed body, Alert mind, Waiting spirit, to describe the mental conditions we use when we sit at our ‘Sit Spot.’

My photographer friends often use this means of getting that perfect and unique photo. Stu McCannell, a skilled wildlife photographer, told us that the birds and insects and other animal life around us have habitual patterns that we can use to get that perfect shot. The Kingfisher returns to the same perch overhanging the river or the dragonfly has a favourite blade of grass or leaf to return to. In my garden, I know when to expect the robin for its nightly bath in my small pool.

My artist friend Suzanne Dyke, loves to sit in ‘plein aire’ and paint what she sees in front of her. Sections of my books have been written after sitting, contemplating nature and my own thoughts.

Choose a Sit Spot. Visit it every day. First, just sit, in quiet and alertness, watching and listening. You may be inspired to paint that picture, write that journal entry, take that photo, or it may just relax you and fill you with wonder at our beautiful natural world we have around us. “Stop and smell the roses” as they say. You’ll be better for it.

(Photo – Colleen Frances)

Four Seeds in a Hole





During this pandemic and the stay-at-home orders, I have started gardening in earnest. My daughter Brittany came to live with me last summer and together we transformed a back weed lot into a beautiful garden of flowers, flagstones, and a fountain. We learned a lot about seeds and plants, soil and watering (I’m still learning) and the practice of horticulture. Many small creatures; bees, insects, spiders, birds, groundhogs, squirrels, chipmunks, skunks, and rabbits have all visited our little haven and together, they have taught us many lessons about living in harmony with nature.
 
I have come to a realization that there is a whole group of gardeners who live by the philosophy of trying to live in an ecological balance with nature in their gardens. Natural means of diverting animals are used, such as planting marigolds or using raised beds and chicken wire fences.  Insect pests are washed away with soap and water or hand-picking instead of chemical means. Growing plants that are native to the environment and planting seedlings that are non-invasive is encouraged. Rather than trapping or killing animals, there are those that choose to use other means such as a scarecrow or simply planting enough so that both the animals and humans share in the garden’s bounty. I have come to see the wisdom of planting an abundance of seeds rather than a few, knowing that many of them will be lost to natural means.
 
The whole experience has brought to mind a little folk song I used to sing with my little grade 1’s when I was a teacher.

“Four seeds in a hole,
  Four seeds in a hole,
  One for the mouse,
  One for the crow,
  One to rot,
  And one to grow.”
 
Know that the essence of the natural world is abundance. One yellow dandelion head will yield over a hundred seeds, a female frog will lay over a thousand eggs, one pine tree can grow into a forest. Accept, too, that life gives and life takes away. Not all that you plant will yield a crop. Other creatures may eat it as a food source so that they may have life. Some seeds will not germinate and will rot in the hole.
 
We humans are a part of nature. There can be enough for all if we learn to cultivate and share what nature gives us freely. Gardening offers us an opportunity to connect with nature and find our balance with all living things. What we do to the land will ultimately affect our lives in the long run. Let us learn to live in harmony and ecological balance so that all life may thrive. Gardening can teach us that.

Love Better

This New Year’s Day I found myself reluctant to make any big resolutions. I am such a goal-oriented person and when I make a goal, I make a back-up plan for how it will come to pass, and then I’m checking my progress along the way at specific signposts. It has often become work rather than play. Meaningful work at the time but this year I thought, “Nah, I don’t feel that driven. I don’t want to put myself through that.”

And yet, I do want to move forward as a person. This year my aim is “To Love Better.” It sounds too simple and wishy-washy but it has big output when it’s put into place. I want to increase my circle to enlarge my world and take a bigger stand in it.

I want to listen better, contact you more often, be interested and care about you. I want to be more generous in my gifts of all kinds whether that be time, finances, or material goods. I want to be braver in stepping forward to be in your life. I have learned that I don’t need to be intimidated by you, we are all equally worthy.

I want to be more aware. I don’t need to be overwhelmed by you and your life. I don’t need to solve all your problems and take them on as my own. I just need to be there for you in small little doses or in bigger, more extended ways if it feels right and it’s helpful for us both.

I want to be more attentive, watch for the moments when I can step forward — by opening a door, letting you go ahead of me in line, helping carry your packages. I want to stop turning my back on world problems and learn about them and take responsibility for them. I can’t solve them but I can take little steps to change myself and my little place in the world by cutting down on my garbage output, my use of energy resources, and contributing to causes that promote good environmental practices. I can write about world problems and offer solutions guided by others to spread the word and offer aid when needed.

I would be amiss if I forget to include loving myself in my resolution. I want to focus on good health practices, by watching my diet, exercising regularly, and taking time for mental and spiritual growth.

I want to love my God, my spiritual guide better. I want to read more, talk more, learn more, share more, pray more, listen more. I want to be open and receptive. I want to be quieter and attend to You more.

It’s already sounding bigger and more complicated, isn’t it? It doesn’t have to be. All I have to do is keep my little mantra in mind, and in every instance in my life just keep saying it, “Love better.” When I start to whine and complain and I just want to give up, I say to myself, “Love better.” When you begin to irritate me and I find myself wanting to strike back in anger with bitter words or walk away, I say to myself, “Love better.” When I’m feeling overwhelmed and know that I deserve attention too, I say to myself, “Love better” and attend to my own needs.

It can be that easy. Just “Love better.”

The Nautilus Shell

Reading Mark Nepo’s “The Book of Awakening” last night, I found this beautiful passage and contemplation of the Nautilus shell creature that with time becomes a spiral shell. As it builds a new layer, it only resides in the newest chamber, leaving the other chambers to be full of liquid or a gas to aid buoyancy.

Nepo uses the Nautilus as a metaphor and lesson for our own lives: “…live in the most recent chamber and use the others to stay afloat. . . Can we internalize where we’ve been enough to know that we are no longer living there? When we can, life will seem lighter . . . only time can put the past in perspective, and only when the past is behind us, and not before us, can we be open enough and empty enough to truly feel what is about to happen.”

As hurting, wounded humans, we carry our pains and traumas around as added baggage that weigh us down and affect our daily lives in negative ways. Would that we could leave the weights of our stings and distress behind and move ourselves forward into our new lives, like the Nautilus, using our past tribulations to hold us up rather than hold us down.

How we do that is not easy. For me, research, reading, talking to others, listening to others, journal writing, quiet contemplation and meditation, walks in nature, and prayer all help me to internalize my life journey and then step back with the lessons I’ve learned to move in a positive forward direction. “Be here now” is a mantra that is built on our past experiences by not denying our past but not being weighed down and led by it.

Just Keep Dancing

For many years, I taught jazz dance at a local dance school called The Orangeville Top Cats. At the end of each year, our students performed in a big dance recital at the high school, always to a packed gym.

I used to tell my students that once they were out there on that stage, just let themselves get caught up in the flow and energy of the experience and give it all they had. If they made a mistake, they were to do it boldly, just make it part of the dance. Don’t grimace, don’t stop, don’t get intimidated and think badly of yourself. Make your mistake part of the dance and keep on dancing with confidence and certainty until you can find your way again. People watching you won’t know you made a mistake if you do it with conviction. They will think “Oh, that was a nice little solo.”

When we give 100% to anything, when we are caught up in the moment, open and vulnerable, but assured of ourselves that no matter what happens, we will just keep dancing, well, that’s living, really living.

No One Left Behind

Years ago, as an elementary school teacher, I coached the school cross-country team. One year, my daughter Maegan was a member of the team. That year she taught me a heart-felt lesson that I never forgot.

For those of you who don’t know, a cross country race ends in a funnel, where the trail forces the runners into single file and assures their standing in the race. The race was close that year and our team was doing well. I always stood on the sidelines for my runners, spurring them on as they approached the finish line. In the final curve, Maegan was surging forward as she put on her final spurt, passing runners as she raced forward, ensuring herself and the team a good scoring.

All of a sudden, one of the runners went down, stumbling and falling, holding her ankle and crying out. Maegan raced past her and then suddenly stopped. I started yelling at her, “Maegan, go! You are so close to the finish line. Go! Someone else will get her. There’s lots of us here.”

Without hesitation, Maegan ran back and helped the girl to her feet and together they limped across the finish line as other runners raced past them.

As I watched her, I didn’t know what to think. My own competitive nature felt she should have just continued on with the race. It wasn’t as if the girl wouldn’t be helped by someone else. But as she approached me with a contented smile on her face after the race, I felt a great deal of pride for my daughter. Her priority wasn’t winning the race. She saw a fellow racer in trouble and stopped to help, even though she must have realized that others would have stepped in and that she was forfeiting her good standing in the race.

She taught me a lesson that day. Whenever we have an opportunity to help another human being, act on it. Don’t leave them behind thinking that someone else will take care of the situation. If we all thought that way, the weak and down-trodden may never be helped. We would all be assuming, “It’s not my responsibility. Someone else will do it.” Maybe they will, but maybe they won’t. Choose to help at every opportunity. That way we all win.