love – Barbara Heagy

Love Better

This New Year’s Day I found myself reluctant to make any big resolutions. I am such a goal-oriented person and when I make a goal, I make a back-up plan for how it will come to pass, and then I’m checking my progress along the way at specific signposts. It has often become work rather than play. Meaningful work at the time but this year I thought, “Nah, I don’t feel that driven. I don’t want to put myself through that.”

And yet, I do want to move forward as a person. This year my aim is “To Love Better.” It sounds too simple and wishy-washy but it has big output when it’s put into place. I want to increase my circle to enlarge my world and take a bigger stand in it.

I want to listen better, contact you more often, be interested and care about you. I want to be more generous in my gifts of all kinds whether that be time, finances, or material goods. I want to be braver in stepping forward to be in your life. I have learned that I don’t need to be intimidated by you, we are all equally worthy.

I want to be more aware. I don’t need to be overwhelmed by you and your life. I don’t need to solve all your problems and take them on as my own. I just need to be there for you in small little doses or in bigger, more extended ways if it feels right and it’s helpful for us both.

I want to be more attentive, watch for the moments when I can step forward — by opening a door, letting you go ahead of me in line, helping carry your packages. I want to stop turning my back on world problems and learn about them and take responsibility for them. I can’t solve them but I can take little steps to change myself and my little place in the world by cutting down on my garbage output, my use of energy resources, and contributing to causes that promote good environmental practices. I can write about world problems and offer solutions guided by others to spread the word and offer aid when needed.

I would be amiss if I forget to include loving myself in my resolution. I want to focus on good health practices, by watching my diet, exercising regularly, and taking time for mental and spiritual growth.

I want to love my God, my spiritual guide better. I want to read more, talk more, learn more, share more, pray more, listen more. I want to be open and receptive. I want to be quieter and attend to You more.

It’s already sounding bigger and more complicated, isn’t it? It doesn’t have to be. All I have to do is keep my little mantra in mind, and in every instance in my life just keep saying it, “Love better.” When I start to whine and complain and I just want to give up, I say to myself, “Love better.” When you begin to irritate me and I find myself wanting to strike back in anger with bitter words or walk away, I say to myself, “Love better.” When I’m feeling overwhelmed and know that I deserve attention too, I say to myself, “Love better” and attend to my own needs.

It can be that easy. Just “Love better.”

Advent is Upon Us

December 1, Advent, the beginning of the Christmas season.

Christians use it as a preparation for the commemoration of the birth of Jesus as they move through the next 24 days with hope, peace, joy, and love.

Much of the world prepares in other ways. Little children use it as a countdown for the coming of Santa Claus and open each small door on their chocolate Advent calendars with anticipation and excitement.

For me, it’s the beginning of a season for stopping to think about my own spiritual journey and relationship to Christ. I, also, join the rest of the secular world in carrying on and enjoying all the traditions of this special time of year as I put up my Christmas tree, bake the shortbread cookies, buy and wrap the gifts and watch the Christmas specials on TV.

It’s a special season that’s for sure. We have 24 days to prepare our homes and hearts for December 25 and all that it means to us. Enjoy it. Take part in your community events. Sing Christmas carols. Read the Christmas stories. Attend the concerts. Gather together in parties and feasting. Exchange gifts with your loved ones as well as those less fortunate as you.

Whatever you do, celebrate in whatever way is most meaningful to you and yours. May all the excitement and anticipation of the season be yours as you keep your traditions alive.

No One Left Behind

Years ago, as an elementary school teacher, I coached the school cross-country team. One year, my daughter Maegan was a member of the team. That year she taught me a heart-felt lesson that I never forgot.

For those of you who don’t know, a cross country race ends in a funnel, where the trail forces the runners into single file and assures their standing in the race. The race was close that year and our team was doing well. I always stood on the sidelines for my runners, spurring them on as they approached the finish line. In the final curve, Maegan was surging forward as she put on her final spurt, passing runners as she raced forward, ensuring herself and the team a good scoring.

All of a sudden, one of the runners went down, stumbling and falling, holding her ankle and crying out. Maegan raced past her and then suddenly stopped. I started yelling at her, “Maegan, go! You are so close to the finish line. Go! Someone else will get her. There’s lots of us here.”

Without hesitation, Maegan ran back and helped the girl to her feet and together they limped across the finish line as other runners raced past them.

As I watched her, I didn’t know what to think. My own competitive nature felt she should have just continued on with the race. It wasn’t as if the girl wouldn’t be helped by someone else. But as she approached me with a contented smile on her face after the race, I felt a great deal of pride for my daughter. Her priority wasn’t winning the race. She saw a fellow racer in trouble and stopped to help, even though she must have realized that others would have stepped in and that she was forfeiting her good standing in the race.

She taught me a lesson that day. Whenever we have an opportunity to help another human being, act on it. Don’t leave them behind thinking that someone else will take care of the situation. If we all thought that way, the weak and down-trodden may never be helped. We would all be assuming, “It’s not my responsibility. Someone else will do it.” Maybe they will, but maybe they won’t. Choose to help at every opportunity. That way we all win.

20 Pointers for Raising Children (or Were They Raising Me?)

Over a period of six years, I brought three lovely daughters into the world. Like any new mom, I was excited but nervous, unsure of most things, questioning all and fumbling my way along. Is there a sure-fire way to ensure we raise our children well? Probably not. But somehow, in the big muddling mess of raising them, my daughters did grow into strong, independent, loving, contributing women, making their own way in the world. Looking back, these were some of the things I managed to do right.

1. Talk, talk, talk. Listen, listen, listen.

Right from the beginning, (and that includes the baby years, the toddler years, the youngster years, those terrible teen years), I would talk with my children about anything and everything. No topic was off limits. Sometimes I heard things I didn’t want to hear, but at least they knew they could always come to me and share their thoughts and their lives. And that meant receiving what they had to say, judgement-free. Lower those eyebrows, bite your tongue, and stay open-minded.

2. Respect

That little crying baby is crying for a reason. It’s the only way he can tell you how he feels. That little 2-year old with her repeated questions, “Why? Why? Why?” is trying to figure out the world and her place in it. Children are little people, growing and changing, and making their way in the world, just like you and I. Respect each stage of development. It’s who they really are at the moment.

3. Be reasonable. Both of you.

Is it really necessary that your little one eat every single bite of that spinach? No, not every time. Is it really necessary that he get to bed at a reasonable bedtime? Yes, otherwise you have one grumpy kid on your hands the next day. Pick your battles. You don’t have to win them all.

4. Learn the Art of Negotiation

“Mom, can I stay out till midnight?”

“No, I want you home by 10:00.”

“Aw. 11:30?

“9:30.”

“11?”

“9:00.”

“10:30?”

“8:30.”

“Fine. I’ll be home by 10.”

5. “Some” is good enough

“Mom, I don’t want to eat my squash.”

“Okay. You don’t have to eat it all. But I want you to eat two big teaspoons of it. That’s all.”

“There you go. You did one. One left. That’s all.”

“You did it! Good for you.”

Any kid can get through anything if it’s in small enough bites.

And that refers to everything, not just eating your supper.

6. “I will help you.”

A big job that seems overwhelming can be made simpler with helping hands. Teamwork is valued even in our adult world.

7. Play, Laugh, Be Silly

Be a kid yourself. We’re never too old to play.

8. It’s all about the journey.

Life is a process, not a product. Enjoy the process of any activity. Don’t just focus on the final product or goal.

9. Be a good example

It’s not a good idea to tell your teenager that they shouldn’t smoke while you’re standing there with a cigarette in your hand. “Do as I say, not as I do” is probably not the best way to raise your child. Be a good role model, yourself.

Challenge your child. Within reason. (Remember #3)

Push gently. Help only as needed. Guide to correct answers.

Praise the accomplishments no matter how small.

During an Easter Egg Hunt, my little 2-year old was really having a difficult time finding that last egg. While her back was turned I dropped it to eye level. She still missed it. Next time her back was turned I dropped it right out in the open, so she couldn’t miss it. Then we praised her to the hills when she announced, “Yay! I found it!”

Balance. Life is a balancing act.

Mind, body, spirit. Work, play, eat, learn, talk, pray as a family.

Celebrate

Celebrate the small stuff. Be generous in your approach to life.

Birthdays and holidays are important, but so is the last day of school, the dog learned to sit up and “I got a goal!”

I teach you. You teach me.

Recognize that your children can teach you as much as you can teach them. Life is a constant road of discovery. For both of you.

Challenge yourself. Always do your best. Know your limits.

It’s okay to not have all the answers. It’s okay to fail.

It’s okay to make mistakes. They lead to what’s right.

Unconditional Love

Be open-minded. Accepting. Non-judgemental.

Unconditional love is yours no matter what you do.

It’s a free and tightly-bound contract between you and I.

“I’ll love you forever.

I’ll like you for always.

As long as I’m living,

My baby you’ll be.”

Robert Munsch

Live large.

“Live well, laugh often, love much.”

Share your wealth and talents with a generous spirit.

Be positive. Live optimistically.
Resilient people are survivors.

Be brave. Have courage. Turn and face the lions. You’ll find they’re not half as scary as you thought they were when you look them in the eye. Roll with the punches. Take baby steps. You will get through this. No matter how bad it seems “This, too, shall pass.”

Detach

Know that we each have our own journey, our own lives to create. I, as your parent, can be there for you, but I am only a cheerleader watching you run your own race.

You are not a reflection of me. You don’t have to please me to feel that you have made it. And, vice versa, I have not failed you, if you fail.

Just remember, I will always love you in spite of whether you win, lose, fail or achieve in life.

It’s not about you. It’s about them.

We all need a place to shine, to find a glory that is our own.

The world is a generous place of opportunity. There is enough to go around for all of us. Give your child opportunities to shine, even if they’re not that good. You never know what they will become.

In conclusion, even when we think our children have fallen away, be strong as a parent, be patient, be there for them whenever the opportunity arises, love them unconditionally. That tattooed, punctured, wild-haired, mouthy teenager will return to the real world and come out the other side sooner or later. Life will continue to teach them even after they have left the nest. Be the rock that they can return to over and over again in their life journeys.

Good luck. Parenting won’t be easy but it sure will be worth it!

Life is Eternal, Love is Immortal

Yesterday my Snack ‘n Chat group that meets weekly had one of our potluck lunches. One of the women has been recently widowed after forty-seven years of marriage and she told us a beautiful story about the loss of her wedding ring in a local store shortly after her husband’s death and its miraculous recovery.

For two weeks after the loss of the ring, she returned to that store over and over again, asking in different departments and areas of the store if it had been found. No one had seen it.

Again this week, she asked a young clerk if the ring happened to be under the cash area on a shelf perhaps. It wasn’t. My friend moved on to do more shopping and the young girl went to talk to one of her friends in the store. The next thing my friend heard was her name being called over the P.A. system. She was to return to the same counter again.

“Now, I don’t want to get your hopes up,” the young girl said. “We have found a wedding ring. It may not be yours. Security is bringing it to us.”

They all watched with anticipation as a uniformed guard approached. He stood before them and pulled out a clear plastic bag from his pocket. Inside was the wedding ring!

My friend was overjoyed and broke out in loud squeals and a mixture of tears and laughter. The clerks and guard all joined her causing a joyful ruckus that could be heard throughout the store.

Where had the ring been all this time? No one was sure but my friend’s persistence and prayers paid off.

We each shared stories that day about miraculous events after the loss of a loved one. One woman felt her deceased husband had visited her in the night leaving a kiss on her lips. Another spoke of a knock at a door, and her deceased father entered the room, fully clothed, in the flesh. She felt he had returned so she could say a final goodbye to him. I shared my story of a medium’s message of eternal love and gratitude from my beloved Tom.

I found it quite amazing that four women had four stories about miraculous events after the loss of a loved one. We tend to not talk of these things in our society. I believe there are more stories out there. It appears that our loved ones do go on and can send us signs and symbols from eternity. Love lives on.

A Perfect Day

I opened my eyes, adjusting to the morning light streaming through the crack in the curtains. Byron, my daughter’s dog, had decided to sleep with me last night and once he realized I was awake, he covered my face with kisses in anticipation of a morning walk. He waited patiently while I dressed and we quietly stepped outside onto the back lawn with its cloak of morning dew. Spring flowers were bursting, birds were singing.

Back inside, I started the morning coffee, turned on the computer, and then stuck my head in to see if my daughter and grandson were awake. There they were, in the middle of a morning feed, throwing smiles and kisses my way. Within a few minutes, my daughter brought my little grandson, just nine weeks old, out for morning cuddles while she slept a little longer.

He watched me as I finished my morning writing and emails, those bright Wedgewood Blue eyes not missing a beat. As our gaze caught, his big smile filled my heart.

Maegan woke up and after another bit of visiting, she left for a good long run with the dog along the river trails. My little guy and I had more cuddle and smile time. Holding a little baby in your arms is a precious thing.

When she and the dog returned, a bountiful breakfast and good conversation made for an easy-paced morning. Before I knew it, they had to go to head off for an appointment later in the day.

As I waved goodbye, I said a quiet prayer of gratitude for the love of my daughter, her little guy, and her beloved pet.

I got some computer work finished, notices, letters of thanks, and future appointments and retreated out to the back patio with my book and a warm cup of tea for the rest of the afternoon. The sky was blissfully blue, the birds were still singing, butterflies were dancing and a gentle breeze kept me cool in the warming sun.

Ah . . . this day couldn’t be better. Simple pleasures of shared family love, good food, good conversation, sunshine, spring flowers, butterflies and birds are all I need in my life. At least for this day. This perfect gem of a day.

Treasure Your Memories

This day, as loved ones around me face loss and grief, I was reminded by Facebook Memories of a video I had posted three years ago, sent to me by my daughter Maegan. It’s about a 96-year old man named Fred Stobaugh, who had lost his wife after 75 years together.

Fred wrote the lyrics for a song about his beloved wife, Lorraine, and Green Shoe Studio helped him bring it to life. The song and video went viral as the world embraced Fred and his love story.

Now there are six videos on You Tube about Fred and his song “Oh Sweet Lorraine.” I am including the first video here. I had time to watch the other five videos and it is a beautiful story about love, and relationships, and the memories we cherish.

In the 4^th video, a 7^th grade student wrote in a letter to Fred about his song and his life with Lorraine and how it had impacted her. She wrote, “You should treasure what you have as long as you have it, and then treasure the memories you have of it.”

Some things in life we can’t change, we can only accept them, and accept them with deep gratitude and love. The simplest, most basic moments, shared with someone we love become the most valued as precious memories. As I felt with my Tom, it didn’t matter what we did, but that we did it together.

Tragedy and Martyrdom

At the recent wedding of my daughter and her new husband, the room seemed to be immersed in love and positive feelings. It was a room filled with large and close family groupings. One of the extended families consisted of 63 adults, another included five siblings and their parents and partners. All the guests seemed to be enjoying themselves immensely and there was a deep sense of community, family, and love among them. I knew that it was a room filled with people who had experienced pain and deep tragedy in their lives, but they didn’t come across as tragic figures or martyrs.

I watched with pleasure as six adult sisters dressed up in costumes and goofed around at the fun photo booth set up in a corner of the reception hall. I’m sure each one of them had experienced deep tragedy in their lives; they had lost their beloved mother in the past year, one of them I knew had lost a child at a young age, but there they were laughing, embracing and sharing the deep bond they obviously had for each other. At another table, a family member, who is dealing with cancer and is in active chemotherapy treatments, was there laughing uproariously with his large family as they shared stories and love. Most important of all, both families were having fun.

Life should be fun. When bad things happen or things make us unhappy, we can wrap ourselves up in it, cut the tragic figure, “Oh, woe is me!” Sometimes we can even take great pride in our tragedy: “Look at me. Look at how wonderfully I am handling my pain, my loss. Aren’t I wonderful?” We become the great martyr.

The sisters didn’t do that. The father, sick and weak with cancer, didn’t do that. We can’t stop the pain in our lives, but we don’t have to let it become our identity, the suffering martyr, the mourning tragic figure.

To live a life well-lived, let us remember that we are not grief itself. We experience grief. It is not my cancer. It is just the cancer. Don’t make pain your identity. Let it not define who you really are.

Momma’s Wedding Wisdom

My eldest daughter got married this past weekend and, speaking as Mother of the Bride, I gave this following blessing and advice to them at the reception:

Maegan and Andrew, we are so happy to be gathered here to share in your joy and commitment to each other. Not only do the people in this room send you blessings but we know that those who are no longer with us, send them from afar. We all wish for a long and happy marriage for both of you. Life is to be celebrated and shared and how wonderful that so many of our family and friends could be here today to be part of such a special celebration.

My darling daughter. When I think of you I have so many wonderful memories:

I remember on the day you were born, the nurse brought you to me after a cesarean birth and placed you gently upright on my lap where you sat looking at me, eyes wide open, little arms folded in your lap. There you sat looking like a little god, the great I AM, radiating purity and wisdom and a calm energy, fresh from the heavens.

I have always loved your soft pillow cheeks which, by the way, you still haven’t lost.

I picture you giggling as you crawled around the living room chair, being chased by your father as the two of you played peek-a-boo.

I got used to saying goodbye to you as you began to travel the world. It began with your 3 ½ month volunteer work stint in Venezuela, and was followed by trips to Europe, South Korea, and most of east Asia. It continued with Andrew to Australia, New Zealand, Brazil, and Africa.

I admire your great love and generosity, whether that be buying a homeless person on the street a morning coffee and breakfast sandwich, making a friend feel loved with an unexpected gift and a small celebration, or arriving for a weekend at my home to help Mom clean out the garage.

Andrew, I remember the first time I met you. Maegan had returned home from Korea and you made sure you dropped in at Christmas to see her. It was obvious that you were very interested in my daughter and there was definite chemistry.

I admire your incredible talent, your entrepreneurial spirit, and the way you set goals and work with discipline, sweat and persistence to achieve them.

I love your crazy sense of humour and your smile that fills the room as if the clouds had just parted and the sun came streaming in.

And I see my daughter’s incredible love for you and know that she has found a man worthy of spending the rest of her life with.

Together you are a formidable couple.

Together, you have all the adventure of Tarzan and Jane,

The romance of Romeo and Juliet,

The glamour of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie,

The power of Antony and Cleopatra,

And the devotion of Krishna and Radha.

I want to end with some motherly advice gained from experience. I know that Poppa Tom sends his love to you both. We had a little game that we used to play. He would say “Do you love me?’ and I would answer “Yes.” Then he would say, “Do you love me in spite of my faults?” and I would answer, “Yes.” Then he would say, “Do you love me because of my faults?” and I would always smile and say, “Yes.” We both knew that our strengths are our weaknesses and our weaknesses are our strengths, and the very things that attract you to your beloved can also be the very things that drive you crazy.

I’m sure you both drive each other crazy at times. But I want you to always remember to RESPECT each other at all times. Barbara de Angelise, a well-known authority in the field of relationships and personal growth says, “The real act of marriage takes place in the heart, not in the ballroom or church or synagogue. It’s a choice you make – not just on your wedding day – but over and over again – and that choice is reflected in the way you treat your husband or wife.”

Respecting your spouse means watching your mouth. Every thought you have doesn’t have to come out of your lips. There’s a time for silence and a time for loving truth.

Build each other up, and seek ways to support each other in all your doings. Show interest in your loved one’s activities.

Keep love alive, through daily hugs, kisses and regular words of love and romance.

Small gestures can mean so much. A small wild flower picked and placed in a bud vase, one truffle on a pillow, a cool drink brought to you while working on the computer, or a warm blanket placed gently over you when you fall asleep on the couch, all speak the unspoken language of love.

I would like you all to join me now as we raise our glasses to this loving couple. Andrew – Maegan – our love and best wishes to both of you as you begin your life together as a married couple. We celebrate with you today and will always support you in the future. Blessings on your union.